The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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