I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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