# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
