Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize
