I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
