How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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