He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
