My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
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