ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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