I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
