i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
