I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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