Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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