i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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