My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
