not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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