I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
