I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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