Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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