you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
