That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
