if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
