every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
