You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
