We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
