and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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