i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
