I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
