i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
