How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
