So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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