Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
