You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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