i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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