I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
