So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
