life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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