Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
