Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
