My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
