He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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