I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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