You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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