There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
nutella sex= disaster
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
