Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
