She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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