In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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