so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
