I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
