Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
