at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
