you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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