I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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