I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
