dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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