We're facebook friends in real life
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
