I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
