i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
