I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
