If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
