You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
