im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
